The Moment I Knew

My summer crush finally came to an end on the first day of December.

It’s already positively freezing outside and winter is only two weeks away, so it’s about time.

I might have been lying to myself a little bit (read: a lot) when I said I was over it before. Somehow, writing about my feelings made them all too real, like my heart wasn’t ready to let go yet. But I wasn’t supposed to see him ever again, so it wasn’t supposed to matter.

Life has a way of always proving you wrong.

My summer crush texted out of the blue last week, and suddenly it felt just like the last time we stood in the same room together, pretending we didn’t know each other, while inside I was dying for him to acknowledge my presence so I wouldn’t feel invisible.

But he didn’t write to tell me he missed me, to win me back in any way, shape or form, or even to check in on me.

He texted because he wanted attention. And while I realized a long time ago that he isn’t anywhere close to good enough for me, part of me kept hoping we might rekindle our “thing” so I would feel the rush of being wanted again.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t happen.

A few years ago, I would have totally fallen for his half-assed attempt at flirting and mistaken it for genuine interest. But it was so obvious he expected me to do all the work so he could reap all the rewards. So I put a stop to it.

I came clean about how I felt. I told him I liked him but I’d already moved on. (Okay, so that part was a little bit of a lie). I called him out on showering me with attention one minute and ignoring me the next. And the moment I read his self-centered, insensitive, selfish response to my honest, heartfelt confession, I was finally over him.

He’s proved completely and irrevocably unworthy of my attention, and there is nothing I want from him anymore. I know it was already obvious that he was the wrong guy for me, but I had to figure it out for myself. I have closure now. I’m ready to invest my time and emotions in people who really deserve it.

The thing about having an overactive imagination is that even when you think there is no hope, you find some way to hold on, because there’s always an impossible scenario you can imagine in which you get your heart’s desire.

Here’s how I know I’m really over it this time: I can’t think of any scenario in which I would ever want him in my life ever again.

It feels good to be free again.


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